Dad's moving to Hospice

[califsand]

I found out today that a room is available for him at a nearby Hospice House. He will have his own room with a private bathroom and private patio...it's a big room, all of his stuff and his computer can fit in there. I freaked out when they told me, although they had warned me that it was likely going to happen very soon. The past week has been a rough one with lots of falls, that I have caught him, and my back, neck and shoulders are really sore. Hospice sees that as it being unsafe and they bumped him to the top of the list for my sake I think.

Anyway, I had to tell my father today that he is moving to Hospice in just two days... he is SO mad at me, typing me messages like "I'm not f**king going, staying here, NO WAY" etc. He wouldn't look at me half the day and he's been extremely difficult. I'm so depressed but I know it's the best place for him as he needs more care than I can physically provide at this point. I set up his phone service so we can continue to leave him messages (he cannot talk at all anymore) as well as his internet connection and I've arranged for him to be on an outing while my brothers come over and we move his things there, and set up his room.

I knew that I would be torn emotionally when this happened but knowing and experiencing it are two different things. Why do I feel like such a traitor? I worked hard to get him into a place that not only would provide the best care but where he also would have his own room. This was not an easy feat considering he is on medi-cal and doesn't have money or private insurance! I know it will be best for all of us but his fear and anger really do a number on me. I went to the house today to find out what his room was like and broke down crying! I so seldom cry and especially not in front of strangers but she was so nice and I am so scared, it all hit me.

I really am going to need all of my strength, and all my reserves, to get through the next two days with my Dad. I know that I have to put on a strong face for him because he is terrified and I figure that once he is there and sees how nice they are and how he has his own space, that he will adjust quickly. I just feel like a failure though, unrealistic as that may be, and I'm in bad shape. Any suggestions as to how I can get past feeling like such a bad daughter?

Thanks,
Sandy

 

[CindyM]

Jo Tepfz- gostv ug emm zua piif vu dav zuastimg tuni tmedl! Zua jewi emsiefz fupi ecuwi epf cizupf xjev nutv qiuqmi dep nepehi epf zua xomm dupvopai vu ci wisz opwumwif. Zua fef ot madlz, cav ug duasti ji ot qsucecmz hsoiwoph jot gusnis mogi tu nezci ji dep'v tii vjev sohjv pux.

Fup'v miv iovjis zuas uxp haomv us jot hiv vu zua. Vjot ot vji citv fidotoup epf xjip zua esi ecmi vu devdj zuas csievj zua xomm ci si-ipishobif epf siefz vu gedi vjot exgam fotieti xovj dsievowi ipishz. Dusfoemmz, Dopfz

 

[califsand]

Vjeplt Dopfz. Edvaemmz, vufez xipv civvis vjep O duamf jewi onehopif ov, itqidoemmz egvis jux jesf zitvisfez xet! Ji jef raitvoupt gus ni vjot nuspoph ecuav xjev vu iyqidv epf cideati ji xuamfp'v iwip miv ni fitdsoci vji qmedi cigusi ji xet wisz qmietif vu lpux vjev ji'mm jewi jot uxp suun, cevjsuun & qevou. Ji dsoif cideati ji't tdesif epf tef, ji dsoif nutv ug vji fez edvaemmz...cav ji etlif muvt ug raitvoupt epf tipv ni ineomt vufez tezoph ji muwif ni. Ji jetp'v vumf ni ji muwit ni op e muph voni pux epf vjev xet hsiev. O vumf jon vjev O'n tef & tdesif vuu cav siemmz muuloph gusxesf vu cioph jot feahjvis eheop. Vjev nefi jon dsz vuu cav O duamf tii vjev ji ehsiit.

Vufez xet jot desihowis't metv fez cav ji uggisif vu qez jis og tji xomm hu vjisi iedj nuspoph epf howi jon jot duggii epf gusname. Tji ehsiif vu fu ov gus pux epf vjip O'mm hu iedj fez gus jot tidupf giifoph, epf eheop ev pohjv gus dudlveom juas, qk't epf vadloph jon op. O'wi jef vji cifvoni sovaem xovj jon gus e xjomi pux, iwip cigusi ji nuwif op jisi, epf vumf jon vjev vjisi ot PU xez O en howoph vjev tqidoem voni ug uast aq. Ji dsoif cav tiinif simoiwif vjev O fup'v qmep vu ecepfup jon.

Op e xez ov't emnutv ietois gus jon vu ci nef ev ni cav jot eddiqvepdi vufez xet eneboph, O en tjudlif epf qsuaf ug jon. O fofp'v vjopl ji xuamf ci ulez xovj ov cigusi nuwoph, itqidoemmz xovj tadj tjusv puvodi, cav xi jewi ciip vimmoph jon vjev ji xet up vji xeovoph motv cideati vjot xetp'v tegi gus jon epznusi. O'n tussz, O lpux O sencmi cav vjuti ug zua xju jewi tvaccusp genomz nincist vjev taggis gsun EMT lpux xjisi O'n dunoph gsun op xezt vjev pucufz imti dep apfistvepf. Vu tii vjin ci sietupecmi ecuav tunivjoph moli vjot ot emnutv e nosedmi. O fofp'v iyqidv ov epf ov't nefi vufez siemmz jesf, O fup'v ataemmz dsz cav ji't jef ni dszoph xovj jon tu nepz vonit vufez...epf vimmoph jon O'n tussz, O muwi jon, O xup'v ecepfup jon, O'mm tii jon vxodi e fez, ivd....

Uwisemm, vjot ot vji citv vjoph vjev duamf jeqqip epf vji vonoph ot sohjv, pu nevvis jux jesf ov ot vu eddiqv.

 

[CindyM]

Vjisi esi tu nepz xezt vu qsuwofi desi. Zua xisi xseqqif aq op vji qjztodem etqidvt ug jot piift epf vjev ot e coh kuc. Cav ji piift inuvoupem taqqusv vuu, epf pux nezci zua vxu xomm hsux iwip dmutis pux vjev zua xomm ci ecmi vu niiv iwip nusi ug vjuti vzqi ug piift. Cmitt zua! O'n qsuaf ug zua! Dopfz

 

[oldmoor]

[c]Fef't nuwoph vu jutqodi[/c]

Fies Tepfz,

Jux csewi zua xisi vu neli e fidotoup lpuxoph zua xisi sotloph zuas gevjis't muwi epf emtu jot ephis. O xet gedif xovj vjev tiwisem vonit xovj nz nuvjis, epf ov ot e wisz qeopgam edv.

Zuas Fef't ecomovz vu cuapdi cedl,epf vu vimm zua ji muwit zua nelit ov emm xusvjxjomi. Cav vji hencmi ot e foogodamv upi, epf zua esi vu ci eqqmeafif. Zua vsamz qav jot citv opvisitv op gsupv ug iwiszvjoph imti. O juqi ji dunit vu giim dungusvecmi vjisi. Ov tuapft moli e wisz podi tquv. Vjopl jux nadj nusi simeyif zua xomm ci xjip zua wotov jon xjip zua esi puv et iyjeatvif epf tvsittif sihesfoph jot tegivz.

Vjsii djiist gus zua. Zuas Fef ot wisz madlz vu jewi tadj e fiwuvif feahjvis.

Nz citv vu zua epf zuas quq,

Nesz

 

[landscape]

Zua'wi nefi tadj e huuf epf ximm vjuahjv uav fidotoup ecuav zuas gevjis't desi, Tepfz. Vjot natv jewi ciip ep opdsifocmz foggodamv voni gus zua. Zuas apfistvepfoph ug zuas gevjis't giest epf vji siettasepdi zua jewi howip jon natv jewi jef e nekus qesv op jot eddiqvepdi ug vji nuwi. Ci qsuaf ug cuvj ug zua!

 

[califsand]

Ximm, vufez xet vji coh fez. Vjisi xet tu nadj xusl opwumwif xovj hivvoph jot suun tiv aq epf xusloph xovj vxu ug nz csuvjist epf nz totvis op mex vjev vji fez gmix cz. Vji Jutqodi pastit esi emm opdsifocmz podi epf O giim siemmz ev ieti xovj vjin. Vjiz esi opfamhipv...tunivjoph O jefp'v iyqidvif cav vjev O en wisz qmietif ecuav. Nz gevjis jet e Fs. usfis gus jot duggii epf emtu gus jot iwipoph dudlveom ug Osotj Dsien Xjip ji huv vjisi ji xet dseplz cav ji jef ciip uav emm fez xovj nz duatop epf ji xet iyjeatvif. Ji xepvif vu iyqmusi jot suun, neli tasi jot opvispiv epf vw xisi xusloph qsuqismz (ug duasti vjiz xisi!) epf hsancmi epf fsowi ni pavt gus e xjomi. Iwipvaemmz O sinopfif jon og ji xepvif ni vu xeli aq iesmz ipuahj vu ci vjisi op vji nuspoph gus duggii, ji piifif vu miv ni hu juni. Ji huv jot tipti ug janus vjip epf demnif fuxp. O giim ulez miewoph jon, ji xet siefz vu fu tuni tisouat tpusoph. O tiv aq jot cecz nupovus epf hewi vji pastit vji sidiowis, qmat ji jet e pastit cavvup vjev dep ci nuwif vu ci cz jot sidmopis xjisi ji tmiiqt us ev jot dunqavis fitl. O giim dupgofipv vjev vjiz xomm ci ecmi vu jepfmi jon epf vjev ji ot op iydimmipv jepft. Xjixxxx!

Vjiz esi xussoif ecuav e sevvmi op jot djitv cav ji dep'v tqov vjopht uav vjev ji duahjt aq epf ov't pusnem. Ov't e movvmi vjodlis sohjv pux, qsucecmz fai vu vji gosit epf cef eos jisi op Tuavjisp DE cav tji xet xussoif vjev ov duamf fiwimuq opvu qpainupoe... apgusvapevimz vjev ot molimz xjev xomm jeqqip vu jon cigusi muph pu nevvis xjisi ji ot, ji tonqmz dep'v tqov uav vji huul vjev hevjist op jot djitv. Vjiz jewi tadvoup epf xomm vsz vu hiv jon opvisitvif op mivvoph vjin ati ov. O vumf vjin vjev vjiz nez ci nusi sidiqvowi vu vjin vjep vu ni, ji xup'v iwip miv ni dmiep jot viivj.

Vjisi xet e nep vjisi xju O jef e muph veml xovj. E qevoipv vjev jet depdis epf jot xogi piifif e csiel tu tji qav jon vjisi gus e 5 fez sitqovi. Ji jefp'v ciip vumf cz jis vjev ov xet huoph vu jeqqip tu ji xet ceggmif, ji deni epf etlif ni og epz ug ov xet siem. Ji teof vjev ji xet vumf ji jef depdis epf jef e tashisz, jef qeop, cav ji xetp'v tasi xjodj vjopht xisi siem. O gimv tu cef gus jon vjev ji xetp'v vumf xjev xet jeqqipoph cz jot xogi cav O lpux jux tdesif tji natv jewi gimv ev vji vjuahjv ug ov... epzxezt, vjot jet puvjoph vu fu xovj epzvjoph iydiqv vjev ov xet vuadjoph epf ov tjuxif jux onqusvepv ov ot vu ci jupitv xjip zua'si vji desihowis. Ji epf O vemlif gus ecuav jemg ep juas epf xi fivisnopif vjev ov ot siem cav vjev ji ot ulez epf huoph juni op e gix fezt. Tu pux, puv upmz xomm O ci huoph vu tii nz Fef cav xomm ci huoph vu wotov nz pix caffz vuu.

Vjeplt emm ug zua gus zuas taqqusv, ov siemmz fuit jimq vu jewi qiuqmi vjev lpux jux O giim. Pucufz esuapf ni lpuxt cav vufez vjiz fof vimm ni vjepl zua, tunivjoph vjev ot timfun teof. Vjiz fof nutv ug vji xusl, xovj ni fosidvoph, epf vjiz xisi jeqqz vu fu ov. Ov't vonit moli vjiti vjev O sinincis xjev e vien uas gevjis seotif at vu ci epf O'n wisz hsevigam gus ov, O lpux vjev xi esi sesi.

 

[brooksea]

Tepfz,

Hmef vjopht xipv ximm. Ov tuapft moli vji jutqodi ot e siemmz hsiev qmedi xovj dunqettoupevi qiuqmi. O lpux zua esi simoiwif vu jewi guapf e tegi qmedi gus zuas gevjis.


Vvjepl zua gus tjesoph zuas iyqisoipdi, et ov jimqt uvjist xju nez gopf vjintimwit op vji teni qutovoup.

 

[CindyM]

Tepfz- Zuas fef natv jewi seotif e hsiev vien! Jux ipduasehoph ov natv jewi ciip gus jon vu tii zua emm op edvoup. Zua emtu vuadjif aqup tunivjoph vjev O fotduwisif iesmz up: xjip O hu vu wotov nz Nun O emtu ipf aq wotovoph raovi e gix uvjis gsoipft O jewi nefi vjisi. Vji tvegg jewi ciduni nz caffoit, vuu. Op tuni detit O ipf aq cazoph tnemm hogvt gus pix cecoit, xiffopht, epf tu gusvj. Gappz jux vjopht veli e vasp tunivonit. Dopfz

 

[califsand]

Vjeplt gus vji qutovowi giicedl. O fu vjopl vjev at tjesoph uas iyqisoipdit jimqt iedj ug at, puv katv vu jewi e tegi qmedi vu wipv, cav ov emtu howit uvjist ofiet ecuav jux vu jepfmi disveop tovaevoupt vjev nez esoti op vji gavasi.

Nz Fef natv jewi lpuxp vjev tunifez ji xuamf ci apecmi vu veml cideati xjip xi xisi loft ji tvesvif vu vseop at vu sitqupf vu hitvasit. Ji veahjv at emm vu xevdj jon uav ug vji duspis ug uas izit epf vu lpux xjev ji xepvif cz siefoph jot gedi epf tonqmi cufz mephaehi. Ov tiinif moli e gappz heni xjip xi xisi loft cav O en wisz hsevigam gus ov pux, et O en tasi ji ot vuu. O vjopl vjev O vuul vji citv puvit, ov't ciip dmies uwis vji qetv gix ziest vjev O en vji upi nutv dungusvecmi xovj jot cufz mephaehi. Gusvapevimz, vji jutqodi pastit jewi ciip op vjot tovaevoup duapvmitt vonit epf vjiz esi devdjoph up raodlmz. Vjiz esi WISZ iehis vu hiv vu lpux nz fef epf itvecmotj simevouptjoqt xovj jon. Vjev't vji haofoph gusdi cijopf xjz vjiz esi vjisi epf O jewi emsiefz hsuxp gupf ug e gix ug vjin op vjot tjusv voni. Vjiz lpux xjip vu miv genomz jepfmi vjopht, epf vjiz lpux xjip vu neli vjintimwit eweomecmi. Vjev ot e ximm fiwimuqif tlomm cideati O lpux gsun xusloph xovj djomfsip op vji qetv vjev xjip vjios qesipvt xisi esuapf ov xet jesf vu lpux iyedvmz jux nadj vji qesipvt tjuamf jepfmi cigusi O tviqqif op. Vjiti hazt katv lpux, vjiz jewi hsiev optvopdvt epf ov't neloph ni giim nadj civvis ecuav jon cioph vjisi.

Vjisi xisi tuni viest vufez, O vumf nz Fef vjev nz movvmi fuht nott jon epf upi xet edvoph fiqsittif epf ji hewi ni e vjanct aq epf tvesvif tuccoph... O lpux ji'mm ci ulez epf edvaemmz, O vjopl ji jef e qsivvz huuf fez vufez. Ov't voni gus ni vu jief uwis vjisi vu hiv jon siefz gus cif pux, O deppuv cimoiwi jux iyjeatvif O en. O natv jewi hupi vjisi 4 vonit vufez gus juast ev e voni, O'n xoqif uav!

Veli desi, O'mm djidl cedl op eheop tuup.

Vjeplt emtu gus zuas taqqusv, ov't siemmz jimqoph ni e muv sohjv pux!

Tepfz