How to ask about the trach/vent decision

[pamdemonium]

Hello-
My Father-in-Law is a PALS. It seems to be moving along very quickly. I do not know if he and my Mother-in-Law have had any discussions about his wishes with regards to having a trach or being ventilated.

I don't know if it is appropriate for my husband to ask his parents about this. My gut feeling is that the immediate family members should all know what the PALS wishes are so that there are no surprises when the time comes.

I would love to hear any and all opinions on this.

TIA
Pam

 

[joelc]

The children certainly have a right to ask, and they should. You might not like the answer but it is a question that should be discussed. Everyone should know so there is no confusion when the time comes.

 

[pamdemonium]

Thank you, Joel. I do not feel in a position to judge the decision my inlaws' make. I am committed to loving and supporting them no matter what they decide.

We do occasionally have some commmunication issues. I was raised in a family where we talked about things even when it was unpleasant. My husband's family prefers to keep things light and happy. They are much more reluctant to discuss difficult and/or unpleasant subjects.

I am going to talk to my husband about this and see if he is ready to ask them. It may be better recieved if he is the one that initiates the conversation.

 

[abbas child]

Pam, if your father-in-law doesn't yet have advance directives, you might ask about that. You can download them from your computer for his state. I believe strongly in having the discussion and also the filled out advance directives. He can change his mind at any time and re-do them, but it's a nightmare when an aged family member can no longer make the decision. This is not instead of talking about the choices, but along with the talk.

Advance Directives aren't "all or nothing", but are as detailed as a person wishes to be.

 

[Katie C]

I think it's not only appropriate but important that your husband know of decisions, whether or not there is an advanced healthcare directive, and where it is. If something should happen when your mother in law is not available, it would be important for other family members to have that information. And if they don't have one yet... asking where they keep it might be a good discussion starter!

 

[KC2U2]

My ALS Association provided us with a booklet called "The Five Wishes" as a way to get into planning for the future decisions. I used it as a starting point to let all my children know my wishes while they were in town for the holidays. Not only did I want them to know my wishes, but I wanted them to hear it directly from me, I'm not having speech issues yet but better to soon than too late. Hope your husband can bring the in laws into a calm practical discussion and soon.

 

[LornaDoone]

Oh boy can I relate. I come from a family where there really are no taboo subjects. My spouses family is the exact opposite. Everything is private and you never ask any questions where the answer may not be pleasant. However, I chose not to buy into that and am the one that gets things done.

Hopefully your spouse will be ok with talking to them about their plans. And you know something, if he doesn't and you do not feel comfortable, there are other ideas. How about an ALS case worker? Perhaps they can start the dialogue with your inlaws.


Now that the illness is progressing a bit more rapidly, my pals is very thankful for me. Because of her personality, it's super hard for her to ask for things and she very rarely complains even when super uncomfortable. Her immediate family also do not check up on her like I do as they are long distance. They are under the assump[tion that if something is needed, it will be asked for. We all know our pals will often suffer silenty so their caregivers and family members dont have more to deal with than necessary. So, in my case, being nosey, prodding and sometimes a bit invasive is OK. ha ha.

I understand now how that side of the family works. And am learning to work with it, not against it. She seems to think nobody cares at times when I think they really do. They just are not used to being so expressive. My challenge now is to try and get the family talking and asking questions.