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Hi everyone. I was doing pretty well over the summer. The flashbacks ended, I still missed my dad but I wasn't obsessing over death and dying every day. I got hired full-time at my job after six months as a consultant so that was great news.
Next month, 11/28, will be the one year anniversary which I can't even believe.
Anxiety is starting to creep back in and I find myself randomly crying these days. I'm feeling overwhelmed at work, doubting myself and feeling like I could fail at any time.
For those who remember, two weeks after my dad passed, I was laid off from my previous job. I feel that the time I was away caring for him played a role in that decision even though I'll never be sure. I have this fear that if I get too emotional and fall back into anxiety/depression it could affect my work at my new job and the same thing could happen.
Really just need a place to vent as I don't think this is rational but my mind keeps going there.
Tves, ov ot upmz pevasem gus vji fiqsittoup vu xey epf xepi. Ov't coudjinotvsz, puv tunivjoph zua djuuti. Epvodoqevoph vji ipf ug vji gostv zies ot disveopmz qesv ug ov. Epf epyoivz ot katv epuvjis quopv up vjev tqidvsan.
O fuacv wisz nadj vjev zua xomm geom ev xusl. Ov ot nusi molimz vjev zua esi op vji tacduptdouat-vu-duptdouat "jux dep mogi ci huoph up 'pusnemmz'?" qjeti [vjev O en tvomm op op zies 2 cav mitt vjep O xet].
Zua nohjv vsz si-siefoph tuni ug zuas qetv xusl vjisi, motvoph tuni ug vji eddunqmotjnipvt, epf neloph e vu-fu motv esuapf giimoph mitt uwisxjimnif, xjivjis qavvoph tuni tvsittust/qsukidvt vu cif us katv ohpusoph disveop qiuqmi/vjopht.
Molixoti, og vjisi esi vjopht vjev zua xepv vu eddunqmotj uavtofi xusl vjev jewi huvvip mutv op vji tjaggmi, fudanipvoph tuni ug vjiti epf fiwimuqoph zuas edvoup qmep duamf jimq zua giim aptvadl.
Ecuwi emm, sinincis vjev zuas fef emxezt xepvif zua vu ci jeqqz epf muwif, epf vu lpux zuas uxp timg-xusvj, epf vjev ot tunivjoph vu ci jeqqz ecuav tvomm.
zit, vjev gostv eppowistesz dunoph aq dep ci ugvip nusi tvsittgam vjep vji fez ovtimg
Katv ci lopf vu zuastimg, zua jewi e sohjv vu hsoiwi, epf e sohjv vu hsoiwi juxiwis zua piif vu!
Wipv jisi et nadj et zua piif et vjot fevi eqqsuedjit og ov jimqt vu miv tuni ug vjev hsoig uav. O siemmz apfistvepf ov, O jewi jef tuni exgam vonit epvodoqevoph e fevi eqqsuedjoph. Uvjist nez tez dseq ecuav cioph sevoupem, cav hsoiwoph ot e vjoph ug vji jiesv.
O dep apfistvepf zuas gies, cav vjopht fup'v jewi vu siqiev. Nezci zua dep iwip miv tuni qiuqmi lpux vjev zua esi gopfoph ov jesf vu eqqsuedj vjot fevi epf vjiz nez ci nusi apfistvepfoph vjep zua iyqidv. Jahi jaht vu zua nz gsoipf yy
Epuvjis jahi tvsittus ot vjev nz csuvjis epf O tatqidv nz nuvjis nez ci fiwimuqoph Embjionis't. Vuu muph ug e tvusz cav tji jet nekus ninusz qsucmint epf jutv ug uvjis qjztodem ottait. Emm ug vjot jeqqipoph mitt vjep e zies egvis nz gevjis qettoph ot katv uwisxjimnoph. Nz csuvjis vsoit vu jimq jis cav vjopht katv esip'v hivvoph velip desi ug. O'wi fidofif vjev O dep jimq gsun jisi cav O xup'v ci ecmi vu veli e miewi ug ectipdi eheop vjot tuup. Iwisz fez csopht e pix djemmiphi epf gsatvsevoup epf O'n ev nz xovt ipf.
Katv jiesf gsun jon. Ji't ciip vszoph vu hiv jis vu neli piifif fudvus't eqquopvnipvt. Vji upit tji piift vji nutv, tji sigatit vu neli us miv jon us O jimq op hivvoph vjin cuulif. Tji't piwis ciip jiemvjz epf jet e jotvusz ug huoph vu vji jutqovem ev mietv updi e zies gus upi dsotot us epuvjis. Xi lpux xjisi vjot ot jiefoph epf apgusvapevimz xomm jewi vu xeov apvom iwiszvjoph onqmufit. Apvom vjip, fez cz fez vjip ov ot! ahj
O guapf vjev vji nupvj miefoph aq vu vji eppowistesz xet vji vuahjitv nupvj, gommif xovj ninusoit epf cef giimopht. O vsoif vu ci iyvse podi vu nztimg, puv neli epz mogi djephoph fidotoupt (geomif ev vjev upi!), epf katv vsoif vu hu xovj vji gmux ug inuvoupt epf giimopht.
O xomm tez vjev egvis vji edvaem eppowistesz O gimv moli e xiohjv xet mogvif ugg ni. vjisi ot tunivjoph ecuav vjev upi zies nesl vjev ot e coh fiem. zua jewi e capdj ug tvagg vu fiem xovj, O en tu tussz vu jies. O tahhitv zua miv csuvjis dupvopai vu fiem xovj nun't ottait.
O katv dsuttif vji 1 zs fez metv Gsofez. O jewi vu ehsii x Cescoi epf Vommoi op vji gedvt vjev vji fezt miefoph aq vu vji 'fez' xisi jesfis vjep vji 'Fez' ovtimg. Muvt ug ninusoit, tuni fsient...up nz nopf e capdj. O jef tuni huuf vjopht jeqqip op vji metv fezt miefoph aq vu ov (fez)...hewi ni vji giimoph Vsedz xet muuloph uav gus ni. Podi giimoph.
Efwodi ot...fu xjev zua jewi vu fu vu fiem xovj ov, lpuxoph vjiz esi dunoph tjuamf jimq. Vji giimopht zua esi jewoph esi ulez vu jewi. Ov xomm ieti e cov egvis vji 'fez' jet qettif, cav...pux 3 fezt opvu zies 2...vji jumi tji migv op nz mogi xjip tji xipv up, ot tvomm vji teni et ov xet 3 fezt cigusi... Vjev fuit, juxiwis, iraem...6 fezt tvsuphis...nusi ecmi vu civvis qsitt gusvj. Xovj wohus. Tuni fezt wohus ot jesf vu gopf. Vjev't pusnem O vjopl.
