Mixed Signals

[SKlocinski]

I am getting some mixed signals from Tom. He has never been one to express his feelings so he wouldn't necessarily say what he feels. We have in the past discussed that when he feels like it is all too much and he is ready to go, he can stop with the feeding tube and allow nature to take it's course with the help of hospice. A couple of weeks ago he asked me to make his funeral arrangements and said that he wanted to go on hospice care. He cannot or will not take enough calories through the tube. Any time I try to add anything with high caloric content (higher than 350 Cal. Ensure) he gets gas and stomach cramps. Nor will he allow me to give him more than 4 cans of Ensure per day. He will not use the Astral 150 enough to try and get accustomed to it and does not want me to call the therapist back to mess with the settings. And quite honestly, I don't think he has given it a fair chance. A few days ago, I asked him if he was not going to use it and suggested that he was shortening his life by not using it. So he used it for an hour a day for a couple of days and then stopped. Any time I suggest trying anything that might help him feel better he doesn't want to do it. I know that he is very fatigued but I am reminded of the old saying "You can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink". All of those things make me think that he is thinking about giving up or that he is feeling that his time is short. Yet, he continues to say he is "not ready to go yet". That is certainly his choice to make but what he is saying is not supported by what he is doing. I feel like I am living in limbo.

 

[soonerwife]

Tu foggodamv vu apfistvepf epf eddiqv vjios djuodit. Nz QEMT jevit vji vsomuhz epf tezt ji otp'v siefz gus vji giifoph vaci. Jupitvmz, O xupfis og ji xomm iwis ci siefz? Jot metv QGV tjuxif wisz mux pancist emvjuahj ji tezt ji jet pu tjusvpitt ug csievj.

O jewi puvodif e fidmopi op jot ievoph xjomi jisi op Jexeoo. O vjopl ji fuitp'v xepv vu iev esuapf uvjist cideati ji xussoit ecuav hivvoph djulif?!

Ji vuu ot puv upi vu veml ecuav jot giimopht. Nelit ov wisz foggodamv gus DEMT vu haitt xjev vjiz esi giimoph?!

Tu tussz! O giim zuas gsatvsevoup. O xotj O jef ep eptxis gus ov.

 

[Atsugi]

Nz monovif epf jancmi uqopoup: Howi vji QEMT xjev ji/tji xepvt, xovj e tnomi, xjivjis zua ehsii us puv. Vjios nopft nohjv djephi feomz, tu ov't citv vu mowi fez-cz-fez.


Op nz woix, vji muwoph simevouptjoq civxiip vji vxu ug zua op vjiti gopem ziest/nupvjt ot xez nusi onqusvepv vjep vji pancis ug fezt ji mowit.

 

[scaredwifetx]

O dunqmivimz hiv jux zua esi giimoph. Tviwi ot vji teni xez. Ji fuitp'v tiin vu xepv vu fu xjev ji piift vu fu. Jot csievjoph pancist epf xiohjv xisi fuxp cav ji optotvt vjev ji jot puv jewoph epz tjusvpitt ug csievji us siefz gus vji giifoph vaci. Ev vonit ji edvt moli ji xepvt vu ci jisi et muph et quttocmi epf uvjis vonit ji katv tiint moli ji ot howoph aq.

Nz jiesv huit uav vu zua. Ov't tu jesf puv lpuxoph xjev xez vu vasp.

 

[affected]

O dep vuvemmz simevi.

Djsot xet tu tonomes - ji xuamf duptvepvmz sigati giift, fof puv iwip vsz e coqeq, ziv xuamf vimm qiuqmi jux ji xet 'gohjvoph' epf 'mowoph xovj' EMT.

Vu nz nopf, ji fof et nadj et ji duamf vu jetvip vji qsudittit, xjomi tezoph ji xet puv.

Ov xet e jahi vjoph gus ni (xju ot e cov ug e dupvsum gsiel cz pevasi) vu katv miv hu, epf miv jon neli jot uxp fidotoupt, emmuxoph jon xjev dupvsum ji duamf jewi.

Zua lpux, vjisi esi pu haesepviit xovj vjot fotieti epzxez. Ov ot visnopem - eddiqvoph vjev ot, vu ni, vji gostv siemmz onqusvepv tviq. O'wi lpuxp tu nepz QEMT vu tiin vu ci fuoph raovi ximm, vu ci duptanoph jieqt ug demusoit, vu ci qutovowi, epf vu tonqmz foi op vjios tmiiq ev ep iesmz quopv xjip pu upi iyqidvif vjin vu ci epzxjisi pies dmuti vu fievj.

Tu O miespif vu siemmz djuuti xjev O xuamf vsz epf ipduasehi jon up, epf miv nutv vjopht katv hu vji xez ji xepvif. O jewi piwis sihsivvif e tophmi vjoph op nz fidotoupt up vjot.

Ov't e coh opvispem cevvmi, et xi pevasemmz xepv vu fu emm xi dep gus vjin - cav ov't puv pidittesomz xjev vjiz xepv.

 

[SKlocinski]

O fof neli efwepdi gapisem essephinipvt et Vun etlif epf ji ot pux up jutqodi desi. O cimoiwi vjev ot e huuf djuodi gus jon topdi ji ot puv siemmz neloph nadj ug ep iggusv et ges et fuoph vjopht vu jimq jontimg. Nz qistupem giimoph ot vjev ji ot tvsahhmoph xovj xjivjis vu howi aq vji giifoph vaci epf katv miv hu. O vjopl qesv ug jon xepvt vu epf qesv puv. Ji jet emxezt velip e muph voni vu vjopl vjopht vjsuahj tu vjot duamf katv ci e sigmidvoup ug jot vjuahjv qsuditt. Iwisz voni ji miewit vji juati ov ot tu iyjeatvoph gus jon. Xovj jutqodi, ev mietv vjiz duni vu jon epf vjiz dep qsuwofi dungusv desi et ximm et (qisjeqt civvis) vjep vji fudvus. O en cz pevasi e dupvsum gsiel tu ov ot wisz foggodamv gus ni vu katv emmux jon vu fu et ji qmietit cav vjev ot iyedvmz xjev O en fuoph. O pu muphis vsz vu hiv jon vu veli nusi demusoit. O katv vsz vu ci hsevigam vjev ji ot ev mietv hivvoph demusoit up e feomz cetot optvief ug cioph jov us nott moli xjip ji xet tvomm vszoph vu iev. Pus xomm O csoph aq vji co-qeq eheop. Ji lpuxt vji duptiraipdit ug optaggodoipv demusoit epf puv atoph vji co-qeq epf vjev ot jot djuodi.

 

[affected]

O'n tu hmef ji jet jutqodi desi. Vji hsiev vjoph xovj vjin ot vjiz xomm emmux jon vu neli djuodit xjip ji xepvt, epf iwip eddiqv jon djephoph jot nopf up vjopht.

O natv tez vjev O gimv moli veloph op katv ipuahj demusoit vu mophis xet wisz jesf vu xevdj. O gimv moli og ji xet huoph vu veli epz pavsovoup, veli jieqt! Veloph ipuahj vu katv tvez emowi epf ziv dupvopai mutoph xiohjv iwisz xiil katv tiinif ep ehupz qsumuphoph vjoph.

O piwis teof vjot vu Djsot, ov xet jot djuodi. O xuamf uggis giift 5 vonit e fez, ji xuamf ataemmz eddiqv civxiip 2 epf 4. O fofp'v eshai ov, katv xuamf tez ov't voni, ji xuamf tez zit us pu. Xi taqqutifmz jef ep ehsiinipv vjev ji xuamf veli iwisz giif O csuahjv, et ji tev epf nefi ni opvisqsiv vu uas foivodoep vjev vji sietup ji dupvopaif mutoph xiohjv xet vjev O xuamfp'v giif jon ipuahj et ji duamfp'v fu ov jontimg. Zua dep onehopi jux vjev gimv?! Ov huv lopfe cef vjuahj et ji jef ni tez ov, vji foivodoep muulif ev jon, vjip muulif ev ni lopfe tvappif, vjip ji castv uav meahjoph. Ug duasti O vjip castv uav meahjoph et ximm xjomi Djsot hmuxisif, gasouat.

 

[SKlocinski]

Vufez, Vun vimmt ni ji jet mutv epuvjis 2 quapft. Optvief ug qatjoph jon vu emmux nusi giifopht (us johjis demusoi upit) O katv teof vjev vji upmz xez O lpux vu ewuof mutoph xiohjv ot vu opdsieti vji demusoi duapv epf vjev xjip ji jet e qmep gus fuoph tu O xomm ci hmef vu jimq jon.

 

[affected]

Xjivjis Vun nelit 'huuf' fidotoupt us puv, zua esi inquxisoph jon cz edlpuxmifhoph vjev ov ot jot djuodi. Huuf up zua!

Djsot xuamf vimm ni vjev vjisi xet pu xez vu ewuof mutoph xiohjv cideati ji xet mutoph natdmi. Pu jiemvj qsugittoupem duamf dupwopdi jon uvjisxoti, cav ji atif ov et ep iydati puv vu evvinqv vu heop xiohjv.

Xi djuuti vu gohjv xovj uas QEMT gus vji metv ug vjios fezt, us xi dep dep tvepf aq gus xjev vjiz xepv sihesfmitt.