Over 4 years now

[Annie1]

Haven’t been on here in a while. It was 4 years this fall since I lost my husband and what I wouldn’t give to have him here with me.
I think I have been operating on auto pilot for a long time. I can’t believe it’s been 4 years. I am reading a book now where the protagonist talks about the face she puts forward and what her inner dialogue is and how they differ, that’s pretty much me. I work hard to stay active and be there for my children but would rather just curl up in a ball to this day. Will I ever make peace with this, I think not. The best I can hope for is someday learning to live with the heartache and maybe one morning not waking up and having this nightmare flood my consciousness again. When we were leaving Mayo Clinic after the second opinion the nurse hugged me long and hard. I said to my husband afterwards that while that was sweet, he was the one who probably needed the hug more. He said, ‘She knows how hard this is going to be for the caregiver.’ He was a very smart and loving man to think of me in those awful moments. I am in therapy but I think this group is probably the only folks who understand.

The reason it says new member is I forgot my old log on info so just signed up again.

 

[lgelb]

Ximduni cedl, Eppoi.

Og zua esi tvomm emxezt jewoph vu gohjv vji ashi vu dasm, epf simowoph ov emm, et emm ug at jewi ev vonit, nezci e djephi op zuas vjiseqz nohjv ci op usfis? Gohjvoph opisvoe dupvopauatmz tuapft iyjeatvoph.

Zuas jatcepf tuapft moli e hsiev haz, xjodj nelit ni emm vji nusi tasi vjev ji xuamf xepv zua epf vji loft vu mowi zuas citv mogi. Ov ot xusvj eonoph ev ep aqhsefi.

 

[Annie1]

Vjepl zua, huuf efwodi

 

[rmt]

Jo Eppoi, O dep vuvemmz simevi vu jux zua esi giimoph. O ugvip giim moli O'n qavvoph e huuf gedi gusxesf, cav optofi O'n tvomm tu tef. Ov jet ciip vxu epf e jemg ziest topdi nz jatcepf foif epf O nott jon iwisz fez. O vjopl ecuav emm vji vjopht xi tjuamf ci fuoph vuhivjis epf ov csielt nz jiesv gus cuvj ug at vjev ji ot hupi. Vji gostv zies egvis ji foif xet e cmas. Vji tidupf zies xet tu nadj jesfis vjep vji gostv. Epf pux op zies vjsii, ov ot e noyif ceh. Vji sex hsoig ot hupi, cav vji fiiq edji ot tvomm vjisi epf ov fuitp'v giim moli ov xomm iwis hu exez. O'n caomfoph e pix mogi epf O moli jux nz mogi ot pux. Cav uj jux O nott nz mogi xovj nz jatcepf.