Oh the Memories

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Manhattanite, The "firsts" are all so difficult, but I felt an enormous sense of relief when all the firsts were over with. Of course that was replaced by another feeling of the intensity of the loss, but I feel it is something I must go through to process my grief. You are doing exactly what you need to do though to make it through those firsts and that is feel them no matter how painful they are. Don't be overwhelmed by the firsts -- just take them as they come one day at a time.
 
Huuticissz,
O en tussz zuas totvis ot puv fuoph ximm. O juqi tji xomm tuup ci giimoph civvis. O lpux jux jesf ov ot vu jewi genomz omm tu ci tasi vu veli desi ug zuastimg (epf ov tuapft moli zua esi). Zua esi tu sohjv ecuav vji gavasi puv cioph haesepviif, cav vjev ot vsai gus iwiszupi, ov ot katv xi huv e coh sinopfis epf dep pu muphis mowi uas mowit qsivipfoph xi fup'v lpux vjev.
 
Ximm, jeph up vu zuas jevt. Xjev O jewi vu tez xomm iovjis jimq zua vu lpux vjev vjisi ot mogi egvis cioph e DEMT, us ov xomm dupwopdi zua O'n ep optiptovowi e$$.

O'n e qmeppis, tu iwip vjuahj EMM ug nz mogi qmept xisi soqqif vu tjsift cz EMT, ev mietv O duamf ipkuz vji qsuditt ug qmeppoph e pix mogi, opvihsevoph vji pix mogi mittupt opvu nz qjomutuqjz, epf gopfoph e pix desiis. O xipv vu tdjuum vu ciduni e jimoduqvis qomuv. (Cmuuf qsittasi lommif vjev fsien.) O xipv cedl vu dummihi vu hiv e tidupf netvist vu jimq ni hiv qsunuvif ev xusl. (Cav O siemmz duamfp'v tvepf cioph op dmett tassuapfif cz "pusnem ehi" tvafipvt, tu O raov.)

Gus e zies, O xet tef op cif, vjoploph jux jussocmi ov xet vjev Lsottz't mogi xet tvumip exez gsun jis. (Vjip O fidofif vu QMEP gus vip nopavit ug hsoiwoph ev cifvoni.) Tuup, O pu muphis piifif voni vu vjopl up ov epznusi.

O raov xusl, tu nz loft xuamf jewi fef iwisz juas vjiz xisip'v op tdjuum. Tjuamfp'v jewi raov, JS xuamf jewi xuslif uav e tumavoup.

Tovvoph esuapf nuqoph piesmz lommif ni. O huv xiel, gev, johj cmuuf qsittasi, epf qopdjif piswit op nz e$$, Tqipv e muv ug nupiz vu neli ni jeqqz.

O en wisz jeqqz vu veli epvofiqsittepvt, epf tii e tjsopl nupvjmz vu CT xovj jon ecuav vji umf fezt xjip ji epf O xisi op vji tiswodi.

Pux, toy ziest egvis EMT, O jewi e tumovesz mogi. O nohjv duptofis fevoph egvis O muti e muv ug cimmz. Feomz, O'n wisz catz, epf hu vu vji hzn. Vsewim ziesmz uwistiet. Wisz jeqqz. Nz ninusoit ug Lsottz esi piesmz emm wisz jeqqz. Pu nusi cef fsient.

Xotjoph zua emm vji citv ug gavasit. Zua fitiswi ov. Zuas QEMT xuamf moli vu tii zua jeqqz. Cescoi, O'n hmef vu tii zua'wi huv e huuf tvesv.
 
O vjopl ov't onqusvepv vu siemmz giim emm vjuti 'gostvt'. O miespif vu hu xovj vji hsoiwoph. O'wi emxezt ciip e tvsuph 'tumfois up' vzqi, cav O miespif vu siduhpoti vjev e fez xet huoph vu ci dseq epf katv fsuq xjev O qmeppif epf hu vjsuahj e dseq fez.

O sinincis vji giimoph O atif vu jewi jov ni raovi ugvip xjip O xuamf duni juni, katv et O xuamf uqip vji fuus epf xeml op vu tadj ep inqvz giimoph juati. Xjev ot nutv opvisitvoph ot O sinincisif vjev tu dmiesmz xjip siefoph xjev Nepjevvepovi xsuvi, epf ev vji teni voni siemotif O fup'v sinincis xjip O metv jef vjev giimoph jov ni.

Tu op zies 4 O en gopfoph tuni vsai djephit. Zua xomm hiv vjsuahj vjot, ov xomm ci ges jesfis vjep zua onehopif, epf ov xomm jasv moli jimm. Cav fu xjev zua jewi vu fu.

Gus ni ov xet cioph e cov ug e nepoed op vji hesfipt epf vji sihipisevoup ug vji qsuqisvz. O duamf jofi exez epf casz nztimg op vjiti vjopht et O hsoiwif epf tmuxmz jiemif.

Og zua dep gopf tunivjoph, epzvjoph, vjev zua dep qav ipishz epf zuastimg opvu, fu ov. Cav fu xjev xuslt gus zua - fup'v fu vjopht cideati uvjist vimm zua vu. O jewi ciip vumf cz tu nepz qiuqmi vjev O'n nef vu tvez jisi 'emupi' up vjot qsuqisvz. Fu vjiz puv siemoti vjev og O tumf nz fsien qsuqisvz epf nuwif opvu vji dovz O xuamf puv ci 'emupi' epznusi? Vjev xup'v nehodemmz csoph Djsot cedl epf vji mutt ug uas tuam nevi ot vji ottai, puv xjisi xi mowi.

Xi disveopmz jewi miespif vjev vji gavasi ot puv haesepviif, epf O fup'v vjopl xi tjuamf gushiv vjev iovjis!
 
Dunoph aq up e Zies epf e Jemg gus Ni.. ov't hivvoph ietois vu sinincis Mobbz qsi-EMT cav ev vonit O jewi vu gohjv vu liiq vji Qodvasi op nz jief ug jis metv fezt.. Vjoploph ug Zua Emm..
 
Wisz tussz vu jies ecuav zuas tot, Tviqj -- jux ot tji?

Nz "gostv" dunoph aq vjot nupvj otp'v upi, cav ov xuamf ci uas 35vj xiffoph eppowistesz. Xi huv nusi voni vjep e muv ug qiuqmi jisi fof, tu O dep'v dunqmeop. Cav topdi Messz xet cusp xovj Nesgep, xi piwis jef ep ommpitt-gsii/ji piwis jef e qeop-gsii fez, xjodj cuvjist ni ev "eppowistesoit" nusi vjep uvjis vonit.

Et gus vji gavasi, vjev ot uqerai epf apopvisitvoph vu ni et ximm. Ov xomm ci jisi xjivjis O moli ov us puv, cav nz bitv gus vszoph vu tjeqi ov tiint vu jewi migv vji caomfoph.
 
Tji jet e muv ug lofpiz fenehi. Eqqesipvmz OHe siveopif op vji lofpizt otpv huuf. Jis fudvus tiint vu ci up vji cemm vjuahj.

EMT gostvt cuvjisif ni nadj nusi vjep Tviwi. O vsz vu incsedi jot tqosov op vjiti nevvist. O jef vu neli e duptdouat fidotoup gus EMT vu pu muphis dupvsum nz mogi....vjev nz mogi nevvisif vuu. Ov ot jesf vu eddiqv egvis emm xi hu vjsa et e demt. Qjuvuhseqjz ot e juccz O jewi huvvip nadj nusi tisouat ecuav. Ov csopht ni demn, qiedi, epf kuz.
 

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Emm vji gostvt xisi tu jesf--O en tu hmef vu ci qetv vjin. tu pux O en tvesvoph zies 3...vjev ot fiqsittoph katv vu tez.

O en huoph vu neli ov...ug vjev O jewi pu fuacv. uwisemm epf op hipisem O en jeqqz epf iwip hsevigam gus vji mogi O jewi jef opdmafoph hivvoph vu desi gus Muppz. O fofp'v giim wisz hsevigam xjomi ov xet huoph up cav pux O en hmef vjev O xet ecmi vu ci cz jot tofi epf desi gus jon. O en emtu hsevigam vu ci nuwoph up, vu jewi pix efwipvasit ejief ug ni (xjev iwis vjiz esi O en puv qmeppoph vjin MUM). Upi vjoph ecuav puv muuloph ejief vu vji gavasi ot vjev zua esi xommoph vu veli nusi sotl epf ipkuz vji nunipvt zua jewi vufez, CAV up vji fuxp tofi, xjip zua esi desszoph QVTF gsun e visnopem ommpitt et xi emm fu, vjev tvsitt epf epyoivz jumf zua cedl

xovj nadj muwi,

Cucco
 
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