Dear PZ Labs
- Status
seaside
Distinguished member
- Joined
- Jun 21, 2011
- Messages
- 110
- Reason
- PALS
- Diagnosis
- 04/2011
- Country
- US
- State
- MA
- City
- Hull
Dear Mr. T.A. Incompetent,
The enclosed packet of documents should satisfy your miscellaneous requests into the matter at hand. Additional notes follow.
Item 9. That is my left foot. you've heard clumsy people refer to themselves as having two left feet? Well I have two right feet, and this makes me an exceptionally good dancer, in fact I won the Olympics three years in a row!
Item 4. At this juncture, carbon dating of the pot, or any portion thereof, is impossible. Let me explain.
When we were making out our will Barney was a real nuisance running around the kitchen yapping away. Well we finally gave in and wrote him into the will:
"to Barney (and his heirs) we leave Uncle Julio's pot".
We added the part about and his heirs just to shut him up, but we know he won't have any heirs because last time he was at the V-E-T he came home wearing a big plastic cone, if you know what I mean.
Somehow Barney managed to take out a small business loan using the pot as collateral. Unfortunately his custom donut hole business failed miserably and during the bankruptcy proceedings the judge ordered a GPS tracking device attached to the pot until the debt is satisfied. The Poker Chip Color Committee Bank and Trust, the holder of the note, has refused to provide the necessary travel documents to take the pot outside the county limits.
In place of the pot I have enclosed a pencil rubbing of the pot's bottom. The signature "A. Vespucio" and the date "1488" are clearly visible at the upper right of the form. Uncle Julio was known to have frequented yard sales in the Florence area during his spare time and in his later years he would often brag about 'what a great buy he made at Vespucios' to all who would listen. I have also included handwriting samples of all family members should the thought of an attempted forgery on our part cross your mind. We believe this will adequately satisfy your inquiry into the age of the pot.
And finally, we have retained the counsel of Mel F. Eros, the world renowned singing attorney, to represent our interests in the GOLDEN opportunity you've presented. He will be in touch (and tune) as required.
Warmly,
Shirly I. Jest
PS Had today been any day other than Mother's Day I would have contacted your mother, Mrs. Harry Toe, over the shabby way you've handled this matter. I can only image that before the age of five you wandered off into the woods to be raised by wolves, orangutans, or wildebeests such as the case may be. However, Mel advises that I simply pass along a Happy Mother's Day to all. So be it.
The enclosed packet of documents should satisfy your miscellaneous requests into the matter at hand. Additional notes follow.
Item 9. That is my left foot. you've heard clumsy people refer to themselves as having two left feet? Well I have two right feet, and this makes me an exceptionally good dancer, in fact I won the Olympics three years in a row!
Item 4. At this juncture, carbon dating of the pot, or any portion thereof, is impossible. Let me explain.
When we were making out our will Barney was a real nuisance running around the kitchen yapping away. Well we finally gave in and wrote him into the will:
"to Barney (and his heirs) we leave Uncle Julio's pot".
We added the part about and his heirs just to shut him up, but we know he won't have any heirs because last time he was at the V-E-T he came home wearing a big plastic cone, if you know what I mean.
Somehow Barney managed to take out a small business loan using the pot as collateral. Unfortunately his custom donut hole business failed miserably and during the bankruptcy proceedings the judge ordered a GPS tracking device attached to the pot until the debt is satisfied. The Poker Chip Color Committee Bank and Trust, the holder of the note, has refused to provide the necessary travel documents to take the pot outside the county limits.
In place of the pot I have enclosed a pencil rubbing of the pot's bottom. The signature "A. Vespucio" and the date "1488" are clearly visible at the upper right of the form. Uncle Julio was known to have frequented yard sales in the Florence area during his spare time and in his later years he would often brag about 'what a great buy he made at Vespucios' to all who would listen. I have also included handwriting samples of all family members should the thought of an attempted forgery on our part cross your mind. We believe this will adequately satisfy your inquiry into the age of the pot.
And finally, we have retained the counsel of Mel F. Eros, the world renowned singing attorney, to represent our interests in the GOLDEN opportunity you've presented. He will be in touch (and tune) as required.
Warmly,
Shirly I. Jest
PS Had today been any day other than Mother's Day I would have contacted your mother, Mrs. Harry Toe, over the shabby way you've handled this matter. I can only image that before the age of five you wandered off into the woods to be raised by wolves, orangutans, or wildebeests such as the case may be. However, Mel advises that I simply pass along a Happy Mother's Day to all. So be it.
Dear Mrs. S. I. Jest,
Please let me introduce myself. Mr. Con U. Knot, at your service. I have recently been employed, authorised and tattooed by P.Z. Labs as a replacement for Mr. Incompetent after he very unexpectedly and unexplained left our employment, the state and the country for parts unknown. Oddly enough he left no advice as to his motivation, just a personal note to you, asking us to forward it, claiming insufficient funds in his own account to do so. It may interest you that it was found right beside a large, 1 million dollar donation to P. Z. Labs which we see from the exacting records Toe kept was left by an unanimous benefactor, wishing to see our company do well and expand in what can only be described as difficult economic atmospheric conditions. These conditions have been confirmed by rigorous evaluation by our weather prediction department.
I appreciate your follow up post, as instructed by Mr. Incompetent and look forward to hearing and feeling from Mel F. Eros about our new venture. His reputation has preceded himself and his recommendations in the form of his recently released music video entitled "Love On the Cheep", with back up singers comprised of none other than the King of Pop himself, Buddy Holly, Janis Joplin with dancing performances by Clarence Darrow and Johnnie Cochran, voice over by Dick Clark. Yes, it's got a good beat and you can dance to it.
Our recently created carbon dating department has processed the provided pencil rubbing of the spaghetti pot's bottom. Rest assured that this department is headed by the top of his field expert, (references obtained from Roy of Siegfried & Roy, previously of Laos Vegas) who you may be familiarly with from previous work done for yourself, who confirms the pot was indeed dated 1848.
We are highly offended that you would even question our opinion of yourself. Please know that we hold you in nothing but the highest of regard both here, there and most places in between.
In closing, it is with deepest regret that we inform you that Mrs. Harry Toe seems to have severed her lease leaving no forwarding address. This report is being confirmed by a pack of wolves.
Enamoured and tied in a proverbial beyond belief,
Con U. Knot
Newly appointed Head of Correspondence and Nonsense
P.S. Congratulations on your Olympic win. I have followed Olympic dancing at that level for many years and always look forward to the Olympic competitions. May I be so bold as to ask was it, a GOLD metal medal Shirly?
Enclosed: personal note from Mr. Incompetent (we would dearly love know what it said)
Please let me introduce myself. Mr. Con U. Knot, at your service. I have recently been employed, authorised and tattooed by P.Z. Labs as a replacement for Mr. Incompetent after he very unexpectedly and unexplained left our employment, the state and the country for parts unknown. Oddly enough he left no advice as to his motivation, just a personal note to you, asking us to forward it, claiming insufficient funds in his own account to do so. It may interest you that it was found right beside a large, 1 million dollar donation to P. Z. Labs which we see from the exacting records Toe kept was left by an unanimous benefactor, wishing to see our company do well and expand in what can only be described as difficult economic atmospheric conditions. These conditions have been confirmed by rigorous evaluation by our weather prediction department.
I appreciate your follow up post, as instructed by Mr. Incompetent and look forward to hearing and feeling from Mel F. Eros about our new venture. His reputation has preceded himself and his recommendations in the form of his recently released music video entitled "Love On the Cheep", with back up singers comprised of none other than the King of Pop himself, Buddy Holly, Janis Joplin with dancing performances by Clarence Darrow and Johnnie Cochran, voice over by Dick Clark. Yes, it's got a good beat and you can dance to it.
Our recently created carbon dating department has processed the provided pencil rubbing of the spaghetti pot's bottom. Rest assured that this department is headed by the top of his field expert, (references obtained from Roy of Siegfried & Roy, previously of Laos Vegas) who you may be familiarly with from previous work done for yourself, who confirms the pot was indeed dated 1848.
We are highly offended that you would even question our opinion of yourself. Please know that we hold you in nothing but the highest of regard both here, there and most places in between.
In closing, it is with deepest regret that we inform you that Mrs. Harry Toe seems to have severed her lease leaving no forwarding address. This report is being confirmed by a pack of wolves.
Enamoured and tied in a proverbial beyond belief,
Con U. Knot
Newly appointed Head of Correspondence and Nonsense
P.S. Congratulations on your Olympic win. I have followed Olympic dancing at that level for many years and always look forward to the Olympic competitions. May I be so bold as to ask was it, a GOLD metal medal Shirly?
Enclosed: personal note from Mr. Incompetent (we would dearly love know what it said)
peter57
Distinguished member
- Joined
- Jun 21, 2009
- Messages
- 434
- Reason
- DX UMND/PLS
- Diagnosis
- 10/2008
- Country
- AUS
- State
- S.A.
- City
- Millicent
My dear Jest,
As the distributer for the kits " down under" i supply a Coopers with them, milk for the NZ people though. :lol:
Here are some feedbacks from my satisfied clients.
Tried it on a kangaroo, worked fine. Drank the Coopers
from Bush Baby
No dogs here so i used my pet goanna, called Lucky, lucky to be alive. Had to use the cattle trough due to his lenght, 2 meters. well had angry cattle until i let them inside and they watched Days of Our Lives on the TV. they then fell off the couch from laughing so much. Test worked fine. Drank the Coopers.
from Dingo Dandy
So as you can see the tests worked fine here so PZ, have i got a deal for you.
I can supply an assortment of native animals for you and boxes of Coopers to put in your kits to stop this from happening again for 25% of the company. What do you think?
Taz, " down under" super agent
( recent milestones include, 1,000,000,000 tonne sale of ice to Iceland and 1,000,000,000 gigoliter sale of sea water to NZ)
As the distributer for the kits " down under" i supply a Coopers with them, milk for the NZ people though. :lol:
Here are some feedbacks from my satisfied clients.
Tried it on a kangaroo, worked fine. Drank the Coopers
from Bush Baby
No dogs here so i used my pet goanna, called Lucky, lucky to be alive. Had to use the cattle trough due to his lenght, 2 meters. well had angry cattle until i let them inside and they watched Days of Our Lives on the TV. they then fell off the couch from laughing so much. Test worked fine. Drank the Coopers.
from Dingo Dandy
So as you can see the tests worked fine here so PZ, have i got a deal for you.
I can supply an assortment of native animals for you and boxes of Coopers to put in your kits to stop this from happening again for 25% of the company. What do you think?
Taz, " down under" super agent
( recent milestones include, 1,000,000,000 tonne sale of ice to Iceland and 1,000,000,000 gigoliter sale of sea water to NZ)
seaside
Distinguished member
- Joined
- Jun 21, 2011
- Messages
- 110
- Reason
- PALS
- Diagnosis
- 04/2011
- Country
- US
- State
- MA
- City
- Hull
Dear Taz,
My heart goes out to you. Brave, brave you. It must be absolutely horrible living in such an uncivilized part of the world. Here in the USA we don't have "couch cattle", sure we let the cows mill about the dining room chewing cud, curtains and old leather shoes (Lord if they only knew!), but we never let them up on the furniture, Barney is very helpful in that regard. His pedigree is part Austrailian Cattle Dog, maybe you know him? I've included his picture, he's the one in the blue swim trunks. For a small licensing fee you can use this photo for your NZ milk bottle labels, now should you wish to rebrand Coopers as Barney's PZ Ale please contact the world renowned singing attorney, Mel F. Eros.
Bottoms Up,
Shirly
Dear Mr. Knot,
It was a pleasure to hear from such a respectful person such as yourself after dealing with that lout Mr. I. The personal note he sent was very brief and very disturbing. It reads:
Arriving on 11:30 train. Have funds. Seek pot.
I sent Barney to the train station to meet him and I'm off to the bakery for pastries and the gun store for ammo. I want to be well prepared when Mr. I. arrives.
Mrs. Jest
My heart goes out to you. Brave, brave you. It must be absolutely horrible living in such an uncivilized part of the world. Here in the USA we don't have "couch cattle", sure we let the cows mill about the dining room chewing cud, curtains and old leather shoes (Lord if they only knew!), but we never let them up on the furniture, Barney is very helpful in that regard. His pedigree is part Austrailian Cattle Dog, maybe you know him? I've included his picture, he's the one in the blue swim trunks. For a small licensing fee you can use this photo for your NZ milk bottle labels, now should you wish to rebrand Coopers as Barney's PZ Ale please contact the world renowned singing attorney, Mel F. Eros.
Bottoms Up,
Shirly
Dear Mr. Knot,
It was a pleasure to hear from such a respectful person such as yourself after dealing with that lout Mr. I. The personal note he sent was very brief and very disturbing. It reads:
Arriving on 11:30 train. Have funds. Seek pot.
I sent Barney to the train station to meet him and I'm off to the bakery for pastries and the gun store for ammo. I want to be well prepared when Mr. I. arrives.
Mrs. Jest
glupavomomiche
Distinguished member
- Joined
- Sep 25, 2011
- Messages
- 282
- Reason
- PALS
- Diagnosis
- 09/2011
- Country
- US
- State
- Texas
- City
- Podunk
I hereby propose that PZ Labs provide Susan with a lifetime supply of Depends. I'm assuming her caretaker is tired of cleaning the bed and cushions, and rivers and streams of pee. A check in the amount of seven dollars and 32 & 1/2 cents would also be in order I'm sure to compensate him for his cleaning time.
panguinjen
Senior member
- Joined
- Mar 27, 2012
- Messages
- 529
- Reason
- Lost a loved one
- Country
- US
- State
- CA
- City
- Stockton
I'm still laughing so hard I'm crying again! Love this!
Jen
Jen
Dear Shirly,
The pleasure is mine.
You have been to Oz to understand what a horrible place it truly is? Just the thought of those cows all about the sofas is enough to turn one’s stomach or all four as the case may be. To think poor poor Barney’s ancestors once lived in such a place. He must be distressed just thinking about it, goodness knows what lengths it might drive him to. Of course New Zealand is little better, almost more cows than sheep these days. The sheep have always been a worry about the house but mainly confine themselves to living areas as the bedrooms tend to make them nervous. Despite all these animal issues I have got some choice tattoos to show for my time spent in NZ.
Thank you for divulging the contents of your note from Mr. Incompetent. It raises some very interesting questions and inquiring minds want to know the outcome of your show down with Toe. Do you plan a big time with Toe, a little time with toe, are you going to the market, staying home, eating roast beef nor none. Wee wee wee do want to know about Toe.
Do be advised that Toe was chief in charge of guns and ammo and should be well supplied himself as we have had opportunity to do a stock take and find several items of interest missing.
We at PZ labs are becoming anxious waiting to hear from your Mr. Eros. Although the video has gone a long way to keep us entertained. I have personal placed the ½ million dollar donated and toe marked for the new and improved PZ Lab Anxiety Test Kit development in a safe deposit box and am sending you the only duplicate key to that box of which I hold the other. When we hear from Mr. Eros we will work diligently to get the kits ready for testing. We are looking for a steady supply of test subjects and have a good lead from a Mr. T.R. of Duke that he is regularly in contact with many and would be more than happy to lead them to our testing rooms. He has a wee dog of his own who really should be helping with this process who goes by the name of Toto.
Forever yours,
Con U.
Enclosures:
Key
The pleasure is mine.
You have been to Oz to understand what a horrible place it truly is? Just the thought of those cows all about the sofas is enough to turn one’s stomach or all four as the case may be. To think poor poor Barney’s ancestors once lived in such a place. He must be distressed just thinking about it, goodness knows what lengths it might drive him to. Of course New Zealand is little better, almost more cows than sheep these days. The sheep have always been a worry about the house but mainly confine themselves to living areas as the bedrooms tend to make them nervous. Despite all these animal issues I have got some choice tattoos to show for my time spent in NZ.
Thank you for divulging the contents of your note from Mr. Incompetent. It raises some very interesting questions and inquiring minds want to know the outcome of your show down with Toe. Do you plan a big time with Toe, a little time with toe, are you going to the market, staying home, eating roast beef nor none. Wee wee wee do want to know about Toe.
Do be advised that Toe was chief in charge of guns and ammo and should be well supplied himself as we have had opportunity to do a stock take and find several items of interest missing.
We at PZ labs are becoming anxious waiting to hear from your Mr. Eros. Although the video has gone a long way to keep us entertained. I have personal placed the ½ million dollar donated and toe marked for the new and improved PZ Lab Anxiety Test Kit development in a safe deposit box and am sending you the only duplicate key to that box of which I hold the other. When we hear from Mr. Eros we will work diligently to get the kits ready for testing. We are looking for a steady supply of test subjects and have a good lead from a Mr. T.R. of Duke that he is regularly in contact with many and would be more than happy to lead them to our testing rooms. He has a wee dog of his own who really should be helping with this process who goes by the name of Toto.
Forever yours,
Con U.
Enclosures:
Key
(Delivered by passenger pigeon)
Darling Sher,
I am in route from train station to The Hilton.
At the train station I found a note left me by Barney. Beside it were a few pastry crumbs, blank cartridges and a rather confusing blood trail leading toward Oz. Down the track at a distance I could see empty Tui bottles and a number of cats lapping one or two. I am well prepared to wait indefinitely for further instructions and your company as I am well financed but intend on checking into the Hilton upon arrival and can be found at that establishment using the alias Mr. Less Useless. When you can please join me, if there is to be any delay could you please forward the spaghetti pot as I am quite hungry and in need of a good sauce.
Yours always,
Your missing Toe
Darling Sher,
I am in route from train station to The Hilton.
At the train station I found a note left me by Barney. Beside it were a few pastry crumbs, blank cartridges and a rather confusing blood trail leading toward Oz. Down the track at a distance I could see empty Tui bottles and a number of cats lapping one or two. I am well prepared to wait indefinitely for further instructions and your company as I am well financed but intend on checking into the Hilton upon arrival and can be found at that establishment using the alias Mr. Less Useless. When you can please join me, if there is to be any delay could you please forward the spaghetti pot as I am quite hungry and in need of a good sauce.
Yours always,
Your missing Toe
notgivnup
Senior member
- Joined
- Nov 8, 2010
- Messages
- 833
- Reason
- PALS
- Diagnosis
- 11/2010
- Country
- OS
- State
- Darkside of Moon
- City
- country
*****************MALE INTERCEPTION**********
Dear Your missing toe,
We regretfuuly must inform you that you will not be joined again with the pot you so badly requested. I am now on the trail of the mad scientist whom has posession of it somewhere in the Nigirien Alps, hiding in a cave of unknown location..... However we have contacted Shirly U Jest and their laboatory is now invetigating a foot with a missing toe believed to belong to to the mule in this high tech organization. We are hoping blood samples and nail polish can enable us to get a GPS coordinate the actual location or close to it. We have 49 camels and 32 Yaks standing by to move on a moments notice to intercept once again the object of your desire. But................ We will be holding it as ransome for the release of The New and Improved PZ Lab Anxiety Test Kit. Arrangments for exchange will be forth comming.
Until Next Interception,
By Bizy Bodie Polar
Big Nose Department of the Inferior
Dear Your missing toe,
We regretfuuly must inform you that you will not be joined again with the pot you so badly requested. I am now on the trail of the mad scientist whom has posession of it somewhere in the Nigirien Alps, hiding in a cave of unknown location..... However we have contacted Shirly U Jest and their laboatory is now invetigating a foot with a missing toe believed to belong to to the mule in this high tech organization. We are hoping blood samples and nail polish can enable us to get a GPS coordinate the actual location or close to it. We have 49 camels and 32 Yaks standing by to move on a moments notice to intercept once again the object of your desire. But................ We will be holding it as ransome for the release of The New and Improved PZ Lab Anxiety Test Kit. Arrangments for exchange will be forth comming.
Until Next Interception,
By Bizy Bodie Polar
Big Nose Department of the Inferior
- Status
