Dear PZ Labs

[seaside]

Dear Mr. Knott,

Earlier today a pigeon arrived at my door carrying a tiny attache case, the dimplomatic pouch for Uraguay, and a bottle of Selsun Blue. I suspect he had been drinking as he was completely incoherent and could not carry a tune to save his own skin. After he passed out I peeked into his attache case and found a note from the fiend, Toe, pleading for a meeting at the Rudy M. Tarry Hilton hotel here in town.

I sent Barney off to the hotel to fetch Mr. Toe Aly Incompetent. It seems there was something of an altercation between the two and Mr. I. wound up in some rather hot water. Let me explain.

Apparently, in the hotel lobby Mr. I. kept repeating "I just want the pot" louder and louder while Barney played dumb (he says otherwise, but I'm not buying it). When the commotion finally drew the attention of the night desk clerk (who also happens to be the police chief, the tree warden and the Christmas tree ornament salesman in our little burg) it didn't help matters that Mr. I. was carrying two large sacks with dollar signs imprinted upon them, and the quarreling couple was hauled off to the hoosegow.

Meanwhile back at the ranch house (3 bedrooms at the end of a cul de sac) Toe's pigeon awoke and began flying about the room. I don't have to tell a bird fancier such as yourself how much birds love shiny metal objects, but I do have to tell you the little SOB grabbed the GOLDEN key you sent along. The bird flew from cow to cow as I tried to grab the key from his tiny little clutches.

Exhausted, I sat down and turned on the radio, which in hindsight I realize was a HUGE mistake. Playing on the radio was Mel F. Eros, the world renowned singing attorney's, first number one hit "A Taste of Honey". I love the song, but it makes the cows sleepy and the bird tipped one of the sleepy cows sending her crashing through a window. With nothing to restrain him at that point it was bye, bye birdie, but not before he grabbed the spaghetti pot too.

At the police station/laundromat Barney was let go with a stern warning, but Mr. I. remains in custody with drug conspiracy charges pending. Barney is quite upset over the purloined pot and has now hired Bodie Polar (row boat champion Lake Mead 1948-1953) to investigate. I rue the day I let that dog get a credit card. And now that I have brought you up to date perhaps you are wondering why, Knott.

Well it turns out that both of the confiscated sacks are embroided with 'PZL Slush' yet only one bag contains the standard mattress tag warning label indicating removal is a violation of the law. The quandary at hand for the police chief (a close personal friend and former babysitter) is whether to charge Mr. I. with illegally removing a tag or falsely attaching a tag. The chief has recently deputized me and this is now an official inquiry. Are the PZL Slush bags manufactured with or without mattress tags attached?

One more thing, Mr. I. used his one phone call to harass Barney by pretending to be a Sports Illustrated telemarketer and consequently is without counsel. Mr. I. needs representation for his upcoming court date, and my personal attorney, the world renowned singing attorney, Mel F. Eros doesn't handle criminal cases therefore he recommends you contact his former singing partner Mel O. Diaz a junior partner at the law firm of Doe, Knutz and Coffey.

Cautiously and Optimistically,
Deputy S.I. Jest

 

[susanf]

Great! I'm sitting on a towel

 

[kiwisally]

Dear Deputy S.I. Jest, (I do love a woman in uniform)

I am shocked by this turn of events. PZ had a small office pool running and I was backing and expecting the deputyship to go to Barney, being the hairiest of those who put their paws forward for the ship. I suppose he was sunk due to his unfortunate heritage. I have suffered a rather large and equally humiliating loss due to your good fortune.
Despite his untimely departure, PZ Labs feels a deep and abiding obligation to Mr. Toe Aly Incompetent and a sense of responsibility for is current predicament. We are therefore planning in the never future on contacting the renowned and well rehearsed Mel O. Diaz, junior partner, of Doe, Knutz and Coffey. Unfortunately our stereo has been on the frits and we are having trouble getting radio waves through to him. If we only had a passenger pigeon at hand the whole process could be fast forwarded. At present we are at a loss as to how to proceed.
Until such time as we arrange representation for Toe, we were wondering if you could help us with the court date appointment. We couldn’t possible manage it unit after our weekly R & D meeting now very tentatively scheduled for some time in 2015 and hope that you can keep our dear Toe on ice, and elevated until after that time.
Meanwhile, back at the ranch (I soooooo wondered how long that would take to surface) a bill issued from the Rudy M. Tarry Hilton hotel was received. It appears your Toe had not paid for his stay and a few incidentals from the bar, kitchen and dog holding facility. Frugal man that he is it appears he did not have sufficient funds. As we so kindly followed his wishes and forward his letter to you we think it only fitting that we forward his hotel bill along as well. Thank you very much in advance for see that this matter is taken care of.
While on the subject of money, it has been brought to our attention that a SusanF has taken a keen interested in affairs of PZ Lab, our employees, birds, dogs and polar bears OH MY!, lawyers, deputy, police chief and all other nonsense. Of late she seems to have a wee bit of trouble holding her……….interest. We have therefore sent her a lifetime supply of Depends FREE pending receipt of the shipping and handling charges, but of course, which wee have not received as of this date. Wee were in hopes that you would consider paying the wee cost for her (as you already have your wee check book out to cover a Toe at the Hill and as she is such a fan of yours and your Toes. Wee feel if the Depends are not supplied the wee laundry bill will soon surprise the compounded funds of all concerned in this venture and wee will regretfully have to consider a loan, OH MY!
Lastly, to the matter of the mattress warning label removal from the slush sacks. Enclosed you will find all tapes from PZ Lab security cameras from 1957 to 2012, with the exception of a brief period in 1976 while the plant was closed as the entire staff was treated to a lovely holiday in Oz on PZ's toe, a……I mean PZ's tab. Undoubtedly one of the most enjoyable destinations anyone could envision and we highly recommend. Please view and summarize all tapes prior to providing them to the police chief, repors in triplicate. We hope this will not take too much of your valuable time.
On a personal note, I wished to invite you to dinner tonight and severely hope you can find time in your busy schedule to attend. I was thinking pigeon under glass might fly?

Wondering no longer,

Forever yours..... Mr. Knot

Enclosures:
HH bill
Security camera foot age (minus 3 toes from 1976)
a very wet towel

 

[peter57]

To all and sundry,
I have just got back from acquiring my biggest scam, no deal and have read the going on with PZ lab etc.
I would like to share some info i found about Barney that might change your views about him. I found his great, great uncle, well a statue of him sitting on a tucker box 5 miles from Gundagai.
Following his family back i found the following,
He has in his family, no less than 4 bushrangers, Captains 3 legs, 1 eye, 1 ear, seems they liked to fight, and spot, don’t know much about him/ her.

So Barney comes from a tough family, beware of the sleeping dog

Cheers
Taz

 

[kiwisally]

Crikey!

 

[susanf]

About 2:15 today a Kangaroo with a UP S uniform delivered a box of PZ labs famous ultra absorbent depends. I never realized roo's were that tall. Or could drive a truck. I need to get out more.

 

[seaside]

Dear Taz,

Thank you for researching Barney's ancestry. He is so excited over the news he has taken up barking in his sleep. As best I can decipher his mumblings he thinks he deserves some type of commemorative plaque upon the Murrumbidgee Riverboat Casino and Decoupage Center. If you could handle the details we will be willing to reduce all previous licensing fees.

Fondly,
Shirly

Dear Con,

Perhaps you've forgotten our hiring of the bounty hunter BB Polar to regain the oft mentioned family heirloom spaghetti pot. The credit card charges from his Trackin' Yak 'N Camel Team are piling up while Bodie's reports are dwindling down. Sadly, We still know not, Knott, where the pot's at. Sadder still, these extra expenses are weighing on the family budget.

You may have heard crime doesn't pay; well take it from this deputy, crime fighting doesn't pay either. The depends shipping charges you've quoted cannot become our liability. This would set a dangerous precendent with suits busting out all over. Besides, our financial assets are not liquid enough to absorb these added costs. Should this stand threaten the PZL treasury I suggest you contact SusanF (where F is for Finance!) about floating a loan.

Clearly you must believe the addition of the Toe charges are beyond our means. They are, but that doesn't mean we can't help. In an inexplicable twist of fate, while digging in the back yard Barney uncovered a pair of Sports Illustrated sunglasses. He believes this is the gift from Toe's subscription offer and he has forgiven Toe. Which is very good for Toe. Let me explain.

Down at Police Station/Cell Service Laundromat, where Toe was being held, one of the washing machine hoses broke flooding out the accomodations and requiring the relocation of all the prisoners over to the Rudy M. Tarry Hilton. With the exception of Toe due to his unpaid bill. However, we did not leave Toe high and dry for Barney made his pool house available for short term occupancy. After the bath Toe took at the jailhouse he was really skittish around water so Barney cleared out his guest cottage and Toe now hangs his hat next door to Barney's sombrero.

I also took the liberty of contacting Mel O. Diaz, junior partner at the law firm of Doe, Knutz and Coffey. And this is where the good news ends. After I explained the money situation (see above) to Mel he was reluctant to take on the case. I mentioned the three gold medals on my mantlepiece and offered Mel Salsa lessons in lieu of cash. He said he'd be right over and true to his word he was, but he didn't even stay for one dance. Barney captured our encounter on his smartphone and video is attached.

http://www.youtube.com/embed/i6yLRmo7CjU

Deputy SI Jest

PS While studying to become a seeing eye dog Barney attended the F. Ellen Woodski Speed Seeing Lecture Series. He will be able to make quick work of the security tapes you sent over.

PPS I must decline your gracious dinner invite for tonight is the Coal Train Salesmen's Diner Car Dance and Banquet. Perhaps lunch?

 

[peter57]

Dear Shirly

Please pass on to Barney, that after extensive research i have discovered that in fact he, along with many other dogs did have a park dedicated to them. Dogs like 2 toed Ted, who was a banker and 1 eyed Eddy, who was a football team owner. Now that is the good news. The bad news is with the recent floods we have had, all the plaques have washed away.

So i sent a gang of my workers to see if they could find them, and they did, well most of them.

Sammy Neuton found 1 eyed Eddy washed up in the Torrens in Adelaide. Sam said he looked happy to be back in Victoria.

2 toed Ted was found by Ian Torpedo, in the Coorong with the sharks. He too was happy to be found.

Neddy Kelly, a mate of mine found Barneys, wedged under a River Gum root, not too far from the park. He looked happy there.

All will be placed back in a park on the banks of drain M, which never floods.

I hope this satisifies you and we can come to an agreement on the commission.


Taz

 

[kiwisally]

My Dearest Deputy,
I have been in contact with SusanF(inance), as she dearly depends on the Depends and would be in quite a puddle without them since her assets are nothing but liquid, Pee Z is therefore reconsidered its original decision and absorbed the shipping and handling charges ourselves.

What a shame to hear of M O Diaz’s reluctance to take on our old Toe. Just for future reference I have always found it best to never discuss finances with a lawyer before the work is complete. They can always try and get the money out of me later but that is like getting blood from a turnip or in his case, blood from a severed Toe. It just don’t flow. I wonder if Doe would be a deer and consider the job? Maybe K nut z could crack the case or if not Coffey could brew up a defence. It might be worth the effort to enquire in a month or two.

Thank you kindly for the video. It was most entering, got me out of a groucho mood and reminded me of a joke I once her Mel tell.

Mel: So, you got any kids?
LOVELY LADY: Yes, Mel, I have eleven children.
MEL: Eleven?! Did you say eleven kids?
LOVELY LADY: Well, I love my husband.
MEL: Lady, I love my cigar but I take it out of my mouth once in a while.


Let’s do lunch. Any preference as to a restaurant? What do you fancy? Italian, Mexican or perhaps vegetarian?


Yours always,
Con

 

[glupavomomiche]

HA! Your joke made me snork! I will never look at cigars the same again!

 

[momap53]

Well done !

 

[seaside]

Dear Taz,

Your untrustworthyness, your unrepentance, and your unfathomable knowledge of animal husbandry may prove profitable for the both of us. Let me explain.

I have recently come into a large amount of "free cash". At first glance it appears I am set for life, however as with all family fortunes, there is no such thing as too much money. Last night I hit upon a brilliant idea to increase my fortune. In a word - shoes.

This morning I purchased the Clarence Clear Water Filter and Cobble Shoppe located in downtown Clarence, Iowa. I plan to introduce a unique line of athletic footware focusing on the medical market. However the the tax policies of the US create a poor footing for my idea. And that is where you come in.

I need a location outside the US solely for the banking and sewing portion of my newly acquired cobbler store. Let's deal with the sewing portion first. Given the collection of odd animals inhabiting your home and hearth, I ask if any are capable of sewing? If not, please provide an estimate of training costs.

Second, as to the banking portion of our future arrangement - once a month I will send you "official" company ledgers. Of course these books will arrive properly cooked, cooled and insulated with wads of cash for your cooperation.

I hope you will be on board for the launch of my premiere product - the Neurology Jogger. Available in both the sturdy physician model and the more economical patient model.
The shoe name isn't set in stone so feel free to offer suggestions and a handsome bonus is sure to follow.

All in,
Shirly

Dear Con,

As I now consider you a close personal friend nothing in this letter is to be considered a function of my official deputy duties. And on.

I wish you had warned me about the Toe and his obsessive ways. At first I thought he was simply eating us out of house and home, but now I see how wrong I was. Claiming some sort of potassium deficiency, he had me believing his diet consisted mainly of bananas, cheesecake and gatorade. The requests for cheesecake and gatorade were minimal, but the requests for bananas led my grocer to whistle "Yes, We Have No Bananas" every time I entered the store.

On the home front, when the odor of rotten bananas became overwhelming I took it upon myself to clean Barney's guest cottage. I could hardly believe my eyes! The place was ripe with banana peels and over ripe with uneaten skinned bananas. Not to mention various charts, graphs, notebooks, and powerpoint presentation printouts strewn about the floor.
As best as I can decipher from Toes collected statistics, Toe has become obsessed with something called the Baboonski reflex (best described as the inability to rapidly peel bananas). The value of this test is unknown. Unless you, Knott, know something I don't or do know? Such as the case may be.

Fondly,
Shirl

(Disclaimer: To those with banana/jogging issues - sorry but it was too good to pass up.)

 

[susanf]

Keep them coming. I got my nappy on and a towel. hhahahaha

 

[kiwisally]

My Love, My Shirl,

Your last letter moved me in a way I’ve not experienced since I assumed my new position at PZ Lavatory. I cannot tell you how much you mean to me in simple words so have personally penned a wee poem. Do not Lear at its seemingly trivial subject matter; it expresses my feeling completely and without reservation, at the HH or elsewhere.

The Owl And The Pussy-Cat

The Owl and the Pussy-cat went to sea
In a beautiful pee green boat,
They took some honey, and plenty of money,
Wrapped up in a five pound note.
The Owl looked up to the stars above,
And sang to a small guitar,
'O lovely Pussy! O Pussy my love,
What a beautiful Pussy you are.

Just as soon as preparations are complete I plan to sweep you off your feet and leave your troubled Toe behind. I wouldn’t hold my breath if I were you but soon my love, soon, no more thoughts of bananas, cheesecake nor Gatorade Even the Baboonski refex will be a thing of the past. Coming and going, coming and going, coming and going no more.
I will whistle you a new tune, Bad Moon Rising, which speaks to our future smooth life together.
Rest assured I am in the process of procuring the boat for our adventure. You’d be surprised how truly difficult it is to find a pee green boat this time of year. More available in the spring they tell me. To that end I have employed a Turkey who lives on a hill. He seems a bit sluggish, having dined on mince and a slice of quince but with all due effort he expects results sooner rather than later. I have a Piggy in search of a wedding ring. He’s not found it yet but feels he’s close, very close, right at the end of his nose in fact. If it meets your approval of course, I think a honey moon is in order, in the land where the Bong-tree grows. Where we can dance by the light of the moon, hand in hand on the edge of the sand until our considerable fortune runs out or we find that pigeon with his key, or OUR new shoe endeavour proves fruitful (I have heard rumours in the PZ bathroom) or we hit Toe up for a loan or we dip into the PZ shush fund bags or we….never mind we will think of something.

Yours soon and for always,

Con

PS: Are we going to do lunch or not?

 

[seaside]

(scribbled on the back of an KFC sales reciept)

Con,
On a stake out with the chief. Loved the poetry. No time to write, except for my entire doctoral thesis submitted for all six of my degrees (Poetry, Religious Studies, History, Biology, Entomology and Parachute Pants Design) entitled "Fleas".

Adam
Had 'em

Shirl

PS Oops! Lunch is on me!